Kia ora, I’m Amelia

and this is my journey with mental health and recovery.

I have always described myself as “just a girl from the Hutt”, but that doesn’t feel relevant anymore…

I mean it is true - I did grow up in the Hutt - but that only describes where I lived; not me or what I stand for.

My mental health journey began in adolescence. Following my uncle’s heartbreaking decision to take his own life, my mental health “switched” and I found a new sense of peace from thoughts of self-hatred and worthlessness. For the next seven years this became everything I lived by. It was the source of my truth, my secret, and I did everything possible to protect these feelings and keep my secret safe from everyone.

Over the years I became an actress, highly skilled at presenting “fine” externally while an inner battle raged. I taught myself that a glass of milk soothed the racing thoughts, elevated heart rate and manic behaviours; but by 19, milk wasn’t enough and my mind could no longer keep this secret – I was physically breaking down. A manager I worked with booked a doctor’s appointment on my behalf and made me promise to tell my GP that he thought I was depressed. I wanted to believe I had glandular fever, but deep down I knew he was right.

The next day I was diagnosed with severe depression.

In the months that followed, I tried every medication my GP could prescribe, but nothing worked; and now that my mental health was public, every thought I had was much much more destructive. Eventually I was referred to the mental health team at the Hutt DHB, where I was diagnosed with bipolar. There I had weekly appointments with a psychiatrist and psychologist, and received counselling for the alcohol addiction that had developed along with my ‘public mask’. I went through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and learned to change my mindset and the internal conversations I was having. This was a completely new way of living.

After a fairly rocky five or six years (another story in itself), I relapsed, and like last time, someone else had to make the first move towards my recovery. A counselling session was booked on my behalf – “I’ve already spoken to him, so all you need to do is call him; if you want to.”

I’m so pleased I called.

This time I learnt self-respect, accountability, and how to take ownership of my purpose and direction. This counselor taught me to be the “driver of the bus”; to take pride in who I am, to recognise what I have already accomplished, and - crucially - how to craft my future with authenticity and self-respect.

After many years and a shit ton of hard work, I can proudly say that I know who I am at my core, what motivates me and what I offer this world. I am extremely grateful for the experiences and life lessons I have had – I wouldn’t be me without them, and I now like who I am.